Wow . . .

So . . . I'm not really sure if this entry belongs in this journal or the other - but since it's about a more serious issue - I'm gonna post it here.

Tonight was a night that I may never forget . . .


. . . why you ask?


Because - it ended in me becoming single once again.


And believe it or not - I'm ok with that.


So as most people reading the know, I've been having some problems with Pat lately. Just little things . . . but they were all adding up. Tonight we had a long talk on the phone that ended with him telling me that he didn't think we were in love with each other and I was left with a lot of questions and a bunch of hurt.

Then I called Jen in California and cried and swore off guys forever.

Fastforward to me calling Crystal and talking to her for an hour and a half about things with Pat and I, things that had gone on with her and Harger, and about a million other things. And by the end of the conversation, I felt better. Through talking things out with her, I was able to see some things in a new light and I knew in my heart of hearts that us not being together was for the best. The only thing that still bugged me was that I was losing a great friend.

So when I was done talking to her, I called Pat back and in a more rational tone talked with him about being friends. At that point I had decided that I could handle not having him as a boyfriend, but I would be terribly upset to have him as nothing. So we're gonna try the friendship thing - and if becomes a problem, hopefully we'll both be mature enough to handle it and talk about it. I understand why we shouldn't be dating - but when I get a job in Pittsburgh and when I get an apartment there I would like to be able to call him and tell him the good news. I would like to be able to look back on the two of us and know that we had some good times, and that sometimes you need more then friendship to have a relationship. And I'd like to know that he'll always be a friend.

So then at midnight I realized it was 3 hours earlier in California and I called Jen back to talk about it in my newly rationalized mood. We talked about that, and we talked about the idea of me dating again . . . my newly rationalized mind pointed out that I am going to date again, and chances are by going to a new school with new faces, and a new town with new faces, and a new church, and job, and apartment - all with new people - the chances were pretty good that I'd be meeting someone. Now I'm not saying next week or anything - but I'm saying it's not going to take a lot of time for my heart to heal. If I have Pat's friendship - then that's good enough for me.

And between talking to her, and Crystal, and Pat - I do see how this is for the best. I guess the little signs have been there since the start of summer that we weren't cut out for each other and I'd rather see us both with other people that make us happy then with each other making ourselves miserable.

And I could go on - but again - I have to be up for work in 4 hours - so I'm gonna leave it at this - I'm so thankful to God that He gave Pat and I the strength to be pure in our relationship. From the start we agreed that we needed to stay on a level that would allow us to go back to friendship should the wind ever take us there - and I'm proud to say that in my heart I know that was achieved.

A guess what I learned in the end is there's a vast difference in "loving a friend" and "being in love" - and I will always have a special place in my heart for Pat and I will always love him - but I'm not in love with him. And I'm ok with that.

Thankfulness

I just want to give a little shout out to all my wonderful friends. You guys have no clue how thankful I am to have each and everyone of you in my life. Between phone conversation, IMs, and emails in the last 24 hours - I'm amazed at how loved I feel. I thank God for everyone of you and I hope to see you all when I come up to Clarion for a visit.

In other news - I got a chance to witness to a girl that I work with today. I was telling her about my break-up and how Pat and I were going to try and remain friends and she said that was cool as long as we didn't remain "friends with benefits", I looked at her and was like, "Cherry - we were's even a couple with 'benefits'." So that led to a conversation about my relationship that didn't have 'benefits' verses her's in the past that had, and that led to a conversation about hypocritical Christians that she had encountered in her past. All in all - it was pretty cool that the delivery truck was 2 and a half hours late this morning cause it gave me a lot of time to talk to her as we worked on straightening and moving around clothing. It was nice. Out of everyone that I work with, she's the one that I've been trying to be a witness to, and I've been trying to show her that I live my life differently - i.e. I don't go to bars, sleep around, swear, etc - and she's noticed. Today was the first day that we really got to talk about why. So just keep her in your prayers. And also pray that I can keep intouch with her when I move.

Finally today - I've come to a conclusion - I'm thankful for the relationship that Pat and I had. I pray that we can go back to being just friends because his friendship is important to me - but I'm also thankful that we were together for those 6 months. I learned a lot about myself, and a lot about dating in general and I got to experience what a Christian relationship can truly be. And I can't help but wonder as I look back on our relationship and smile - if a relationship with the wrong guy can be so great, imagine how much better a relationship with the right guy will be!!!

And now - I need sleep . . . cause I got about 2 hours last night . . .