(no subject)

I really can't take it anymore.

I'm overworked.
I'm underappreciated.
I'm homesick for a place that isn't home.
I'm unable to face reality.
I'm done.


Clarion isn't home anymore - I have to face that. IV and Harvest and such - it's not where I am. Where I am is a very liberal campus that doesn't agree with my morals and where I can't fins any support. And yet - it's where I am and that's the reality I have to face.

I have to learn that I now live in a very secular world. I don't have the ability to be a "cross hugger" or "live for an audience of one" or any other cute little phrase that litters so many people's IM profiles. That's not my life.

I don't know what my life is - but right now it feels like I can't be the type of Christian that I so desire to be. I can't be a Christian the way that I was in Clarin because here in the real world I don't have what I had in Clarion.

All that I have here in the real world are memories of what used to be.

And those memories are changing and growing without me . . . and that hurts me so much more then they can ever imagine.

And so I'm at a crossroads.



Maybe it's time to give my memories up





and let them be




just




memories.

(no subject)

Into The West
by Annie Lennox


Lay down
your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
you have come to journey's end
Sleep now
and dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
from across the distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
all of your fears will pass away,
safe in my arms
you're only sleeping.

What can you see
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
a pale moon rises -
The ships have come to carry you home

All will turn
to silver glass
A light on the water
All souls pass

Hope fades
into the world of night
through shadows falling
out of memory and time
Don't say
We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
you and I will meet again.

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping

What can can you see
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
a pale moon rises -
The ships have come to carry you home.

And all will turn
to silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the west

Why I'm Not Good Enough

I'm tired of nothing every being good enough.

I work my ass off at work - but it's never enough.

I'm always doing homework - but it's never good enough

I never have time to sleep because I'm so busy - but it's never enough.



And everyone has it worse then me (according to them) so I don't get a repreive from this hell.




At the moment - it doesn't matter that I did 8 loads of laundry, made dinner and cleaned up from it, peeled the eggs my mom boiled, helped put furniture she bought for her office together, and even found time for some of my homework that's due tomorrow - she's mad cause didn't clean my room.



There is not enough time in my day to be good enough.





And lastly - I haven't been "good enough" at being a Christian in so long that I've lost count. I'm vaguely aware of the fact that I walked away from God - but getting back to Him . . . I don't feel like I'm "good enough" for that either . . . and I'm starting to forget why I should care.





I had the life that I wanted 2 months ago. And now that's all gone. And no matter how hard I try - I'm never going to get it back . . . so what's the use in trying?

2 months ago I was happy, and I truly believed that I was loved - loved by God and loved by people on this earth. And I believed that I was loved by someone special. I believed that someone could know me totally and still love me. And that's all gone.

I wasn't good enough to have love stay. And this is my punishment for not being good enough.

And I'm tired of pretending that it's ok . . . and I'm tired of pretending that I'm ok. Being single hurts . . . and it hurts because it means that I'm not loved the way that I thought that I was. And everyone keeps telling that that it'll get better - but it won't. I'm not mad at him - honest - I'm not. But, and maybe it's because I'm not mad at him - I can't heal from this. I can't point fingers and blaim him - so it must be my fault. And it must be something in me that makes me unlovable.

Right now I jkoe about the day I fall in love - but I don't believe at all that it will happen. I'm too fearful that someone else will wake up one day and decide that they don't love me enough - and I can't handle that rejection again. It's next to impossibe to handle now - and I know that I won't be able to handle it again.

I'm a hopeless basket-case and I have been for a few months now. And no matter how I try to make it better - I'm not good enough for anyone to care, and I feel like I'm not even good enough for God to care. This life that I'm living - it's His judgement on me. And it's a reminder every day of my sins and how I'm never going to be good enough because of them.