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Oct. 18th, 2004 09:39 pmWow. I'm a slacker! I haven't updated in quite a while!
I guess that's mostly cause I've been to frustrated to update.
Here's a rundown of last week:
Monday - gay pride day at Chatham. I was highly disturbed to see 2 girls kiss. You want to do that stuff, I can't stop ya - but please don't do it in front of me.
Tuesday - shipment day, which means work at the crack of dawn . . . with PMS . . . enough said. Crashed that afternoon then stayed up till 4am trying to finish a paper unsuccessfully.
Wednesday - Got up at 9am to finish paper. Watched BBC's version of Macbeth in class. Very disapointed I drove over an hour for that.
Thursday - Got yelled at (with the rest of shipment team) about not being respectful. Cried at work and in the car. Drove in for class which wasn't bad, but I was "a party-pooper" when I didn't want to go to the bar afterwards. Threw a little hissy-fit when I got home cause I had gone a whole week without any IM's from my friends - figured they didn't love me.
Friday - made it throught work without crying. Got a phone call from Kristi wondering why I Hadn't been on IM all week. Realized that somehow I had broken my IM and no one could see that I was online even though I could see them . . . very weird. But it was good to know my friends love me!
On a better note - Sunday I drove up to Jumonville which is about an hour or so south of me. There's this HUGE cross on top of the mountain there and I went up to see it and look at the beautiful trees around it. It was very refreshing. Jumonville by the way is where I first went to camp at as a kid, and it's where I got saved back in the day. So it was nice to go up there and sort of reconnect with what I feel like I've lost lately - i.e. God.
Today I got motivated (I think cause I didn't have class tonight) and I finished my paperwork for Hardin-Simmons in Texas. And I just looked online and there's an Old Navy right in Abilene where the school is . . . mmmm . . . bet if I get into school down there I can get myself a nice transfer to the Old Navy down there.
On a more spiritual front - I feel like lately I've been to out of it to see God. It seems like everything lately had been negative and when I think about it, I realize it's because I've taken my eyes off of God. I've started to live for the goals of the world and not for God. I've forgotten what it means to be a Christian. I've lost whatever it was that I had in Clarion. And I miss that. And I think that I'm finally ready to admit that I've been walking away from God for a few months. I've made a good show of things, but in the deepest parts of my heart I've been walking away. And no - it's not because Pat and I broke up - I've been walking away since Pat was in Kenya. And I haven't cared. I've let people fall out of my life because I haven't cared enough to try and keep them. I've let things go unsaid, and I've all around given up one a lot of things. And I want that to change. I want to live for an audience of One. I don't want to live for the things of the world anymore - I want to live for God and only for Him. But even as I write this, I fear that I'm not strong enough to carry this out. I'm worried that I'm stuck forever not being able to draw close to God. I feel restless and I know that only God can give me rest - but I don't know how to get there.
So prayers are appreciated. I want to change, but I feel like it's hopeless.
Lord God - give me hope when I have none. Guide me and help me to see the Your light. Draw me close to you even when I don't feel worthy. Here my heart when I don't have the words.
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
~Word of God Speak by MercyMe
I guess that's mostly cause I've been to frustrated to update.
Here's a rundown of last week:
Monday - gay pride day at Chatham. I was highly disturbed to see 2 girls kiss. You want to do that stuff, I can't stop ya - but please don't do it in front of me.
Tuesday - shipment day, which means work at the crack of dawn . . . with PMS . . . enough said. Crashed that afternoon then stayed up till 4am trying to finish a paper unsuccessfully.
Wednesday - Got up at 9am to finish paper. Watched BBC's version of Macbeth in class. Very disapointed I drove over an hour for that.
Thursday - Got yelled at (with the rest of shipment team) about not being respectful. Cried at work and in the car. Drove in for class which wasn't bad, but I was "a party-pooper" when I didn't want to go to the bar afterwards. Threw a little hissy-fit when I got home cause I had gone a whole week without any IM's from my friends - figured they didn't love me.
Friday - made it throught work without crying. Got a phone call from Kristi wondering why I Hadn't been on IM all week. Realized that somehow I had broken my IM and no one could see that I was online even though I could see them . . . very weird. But it was good to know my friends love me!
On a better note - Sunday I drove up to Jumonville which is about an hour or so south of me. There's this HUGE cross on top of the mountain there and I went up to see it and look at the beautiful trees around it. It was very refreshing. Jumonville by the way is where I first went to camp at as a kid, and it's where I got saved back in the day. So it was nice to go up there and sort of reconnect with what I feel like I've lost lately - i.e. God.
Today I got motivated (I think cause I didn't have class tonight) and I finished my paperwork for Hardin-Simmons in Texas. And I just looked online and there's an Old Navy right in Abilene where the school is . . . mmmm . . . bet if I get into school down there I can get myself a nice transfer to the Old Navy down there.
On a more spiritual front - I feel like lately I've been to out of it to see God. It seems like everything lately had been negative and when I think about it, I realize it's because I've taken my eyes off of God. I've started to live for the goals of the world and not for God. I've forgotten what it means to be a Christian. I've lost whatever it was that I had in Clarion. And I miss that. And I think that I'm finally ready to admit that I've been walking away from God for a few months. I've made a good show of things, but in the deepest parts of my heart I've been walking away. And no - it's not because Pat and I broke up - I've been walking away since Pat was in Kenya. And I haven't cared. I've let people fall out of my life because I haven't cared enough to try and keep them. I've let things go unsaid, and I've all around given up one a lot of things. And I want that to change. I want to live for an audience of One. I don't want to live for the things of the world anymore - I want to live for God and only for Him. But even as I write this, I fear that I'm not strong enough to carry this out. I'm worried that I'm stuck forever not being able to draw close to God. I feel restless and I know that only God can give me rest - but I don't know how to get there.
So prayers are appreciated. I want to change, but I feel like it's hopeless.
Lord God - give me hope when I have none. Guide me and help me to see the Your light. Draw me close to you even when I don't feel worthy. Here my heart when I don't have the words.
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
~Word of God Speak by MercyMe
