I don't know
Feb. 17th, 2005 12:19 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
whiteinkwho I am anymore. . .
When I look in the mirror - I don't recongnize who I've become. And it's not just because of chin-length hair that I have, or the red streaks that are running through it. It's not even because of the new bump in my nose that is apparently a permenant reminder of where I broke it in Costa Rica.
I've gone through a lot of physical changes in the last year, but that's not what makes me unsure of who I am.
What makes me unsure of who I am is the changes that have taken place on the inside.
Moving home has changed me. It's made me fall into a pattern of going to church because my parents do, and it's been a cause of my stagnant faith. I don't have to exert any will to get up and go to church on Sundays the way I once did. I go because my family goes . . . in Clarion I had to go because of passion and need that I felt . . . that doesn't exist now.
Being in grad school has changed me. I spent a semester hating it and being anti-social, I pretty much refused to allow people to become my friends because there weren't like the Christian friends I had left in Clarion. The semester I have gotten over that to learn that there are some pretty cool people at Chatham, and contrary to what I thought, they do accept me. For the first time I have friends who aren't Christian and I'm learning that it's possible to survive in that world.
Traveling to Costa Rica has changed me. I've seen the poverty that they live in, and I survived with 27lbs of stuff for 2 weeks. Now when I look around my house I see everything that I once took for granted, and I hate it. I hate seeing all this stuff that we as Americans have. I have moments where I hate being back in the country because I'm quickly forgetting what it was like there. I miss the simplicity of Costa Rica. I miss feeling the need to collect "stuff" and working to pay for that "stuff". In the end - the "stuff" doesn't matter. I want to go back.
Being out of Clarion has changed me. It's challenged my faith, because for the first time I've had to sink or swim on my own. And I've done my fair share of sinking and allowing God to take over. I've learned to survive without my support system of friends. I hate feeling like we've grown apart, and I hate not knowing what I should do to try and fix that, but at the same time - I realize that being away from them has changed me.
Having depression has changed me. I'm currently off my medicine and have been for over a month. And that feels good . . . but at the same time - the depression is still there. And I don't know what to do with it sometimes.
This past week has changed me. I'm in the process of maybe switching store and moving out of my house - and all of this is pretty much without my parents support. My mom feels like she knows what is best for me, and what is best for me is to keep living at home. I don't believe that is so. I feel like if I stay here I'm never going to grow up and become responible for anything on my own. I hate not being able to talk to her about what I want to do because of the disapproval that I get from her. I don't know what to do.
Overall - life has changed me. And the thing is, I don't know if it has changed me for the better or for the worse. Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to try and come to Clarion to do my observations for my Ed class. A part of me wants to, because I want to see people and try to mend some of the friendships that I've allowed to slide away. But at the same time - I wonder if there's any use trying to visit a life that I feel like doesn't have room for me anymore.
I've forgotten how to listen to God and draw close to Him. Church has become stagnant, my relationship with Him has become stagnant, and overall - I've forgotten what it's like to have a close relationship with Him. Yes - I still believe, and I still see how He works in my life, but beyond that . . . I feel like I've got nothing. And the problem is that I don't know who to run to about this. The person that I would usually talk to is going through something similar - and everyone else is in Clarion. And somehow - I don't want to run to those people who knew me when I was at my best, because I'm ashamed to face them at what I am now. And so I do the only thing that I know how to do. I write about it. And I post it in my online diary knowing that people are going to read it, and knowing that some of those people are going to judge, but making the conscious effort to not care. This is who I am and this is how I feel. And anyone who reads this and judges me for it . . . so be it.
When I look in the mirror, I don't recongnize who I've become . . . but for better or worse - this is who I now am.
When I look in the mirror - I don't recongnize who I've become. And it's not just because of chin-length hair that I have, or the red streaks that are running through it. It's not even because of the new bump in my nose that is apparently a permenant reminder of where I broke it in Costa Rica.
I've gone through a lot of physical changes in the last year, but that's not what makes me unsure of who I am.
What makes me unsure of who I am is the changes that have taken place on the inside.
Moving home has changed me. It's made me fall into a pattern of going to church because my parents do, and it's been a cause of my stagnant faith. I don't have to exert any will to get up and go to church on Sundays the way I once did. I go because my family goes . . . in Clarion I had to go because of passion and need that I felt . . . that doesn't exist now.
Being in grad school has changed me. I spent a semester hating it and being anti-social, I pretty much refused to allow people to become my friends because there weren't like the Christian friends I had left in Clarion. The semester I have gotten over that to learn that there are some pretty cool people at Chatham, and contrary to what I thought, they do accept me. For the first time I have friends who aren't Christian and I'm learning that it's possible to survive in that world.
Traveling to Costa Rica has changed me. I've seen the poverty that they live in, and I survived with 27lbs of stuff for 2 weeks. Now when I look around my house I see everything that I once took for granted, and I hate it. I hate seeing all this stuff that we as Americans have. I have moments where I hate being back in the country because I'm quickly forgetting what it was like there. I miss the simplicity of Costa Rica. I miss feeling the need to collect "stuff" and working to pay for that "stuff". In the end - the "stuff" doesn't matter. I want to go back.
Being out of Clarion has changed me. It's challenged my faith, because for the first time I've had to sink or swim on my own. And I've done my fair share of sinking and allowing God to take over. I've learned to survive without my support system of friends. I hate feeling like we've grown apart, and I hate not knowing what I should do to try and fix that, but at the same time - I realize that being away from them has changed me.
Having depression has changed me. I'm currently off my medicine and have been for over a month. And that feels good . . . but at the same time - the depression is still there. And I don't know what to do with it sometimes.
This past week has changed me. I'm in the process of maybe switching store and moving out of my house - and all of this is pretty much without my parents support. My mom feels like she knows what is best for me, and what is best for me is to keep living at home. I don't believe that is so. I feel like if I stay here I'm never going to grow up and become responible for anything on my own. I hate not being able to talk to her about what I want to do because of the disapproval that I get from her. I don't know what to do.
Overall - life has changed me. And the thing is, I don't know if it has changed me for the better or for the worse. Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to try and come to Clarion to do my observations for my Ed class. A part of me wants to, because I want to see people and try to mend some of the friendships that I've allowed to slide away. But at the same time - I wonder if there's any use trying to visit a life that I feel like doesn't have room for me anymore.
I've forgotten how to listen to God and draw close to Him. Church has become stagnant, my relationship with Him has become stagnant, and overall - I've forgotten what it's like to have a close relationship with Him. Yes - I still believe, and I still see how He works in my life, but beyond that . . . I feel like I've got nothing. And the problem is that I don't know who to run to about this. The person that I would usually talk to is going through something similar - and everyone else is in Clarion. And somehow - I don't want to run to those people who knew me when I was at my best, because I'm ashamed to face them at what I am now. And so I do the only thing that I know how to do. I write about it. And I post it in my online diary knowing that people are going to read it, and knowing that some of those people are going to judge, but making the conscious effort to not care. This is who I am and this is how I feel. And anyone who reads this and judges me for it . . . so be it.
When I look in the mirror, I don't recongnize who I've become . . . but for better or worse - this is who I now am.
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-17 09:59 pm (UTC)This might sound silly, but you are my anchor throughout all of the changes that take place. I could never have stood the move if I didn't know that you were a phone call away, and living with the same fears, worries and hopes that I have. Knowing I am not alone keeps me sane. And knowing you and I are together in this journey, come what may, gives me peace. I love you Rach. You're my best friend. Thank you for everything. For being you.