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Nov. 22nd, 2004 11:40 pmI'm gonna buck the trend and not give a sappy list of what I'm thankful for.
Instead I'm going to whine . . .
. . . Ok - maybe not. But at this point I'm wondering what the point of medication is when it's not helping. Because it's not. So what's the sense in having it?
It's so stupid - all I've learned in the last month is that it's mind over matter. I decide to be happy, that's what will happen. But lately it's gotten to hard.
And I don't want to sit here and make some list of reasons tht I should be happy and thankful. Because to me, it's not worth it right now.
It's hard to be thankful for a school that generalizes Christians the way it does.
It's hard to be thankful for a light that I can't shine because it's shut down every time that I try.
It's hard to be thankful for a dad that worries that I might have ruined the tires tonight when my breaks went out . . . there was no concern for me whatsoever - it was all about him worring that I hurt the car and yelling at me about the cost of new tires if I ruined them.
It's hard to be thankful for friends that say they want to call and catch up (and no, this isn't all of you) and then never call.
It's hard to be thankful for people that break your heart.
It's hard to be thankful for all that I have when there's so many without - instead of being thankful I just feel guilty.
It's hard to be thankful for being who I am, when I currently dislike who I am.
So maybe right now I'm a little anti-Thanksgiving . . . but it's how I feel, and I'm not going to pretend that I feel differently.
If you want to, or if you feel up to it - prayers are appreciated. Because that I would be thankful for. I'm aware that I'm not myself, but I don't know how to be myself anymore and I'm tired of pretending that it's all going to be ok . . . because I don't know if it is.
I guess it comes down to this:
"And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there"
Here's hoping.
Instead I'm going to whine . . .
. . . Ok - maybe not. But at this point I'm wondering what the point of medication is when it's not helping. Because it's not. So what's the sense in having it?
It's so stupid - all I've learned in the last month is that it's mind over matter. I decide to be happy, that's what will happen. But lately it's gotten to hard.
And I don't want to sit here and make some list of reasons tht I should be happy and thankful. Because to me, it's not worth it right now.
It's hard to be thankful for a school that generalizes Christians the way it does.
It's hard to be thankful for a light that I can't shine because it's shut down every time that I try.
It's hard to be thankful for a dad that worries that I might have ruined the tires tonight when my breaks went out . . . there was no concern for me whatsoever - it was all about him worring that I hurt the car and yelling at me about the cost of new tires if I ruined them.
It's hard to be thankful for friends that say they want to call and catch up (and no, this isn't all of you) and then never call.
It's hard to be thankful for people that break your heart.
It's hard to be thankful for all that I have when there's so many without - instead of being thankful I just feel guilty.
It's hard to be thankful for being who I am, when I currently dislike who I am.
So maybe right now I'm a little anti-Thanksgiving . . . but it's how I feel, and I'm not going to pretend that I feel differently.
If you want to, or if you feel up to it - prayers are appreciated. Because that I would be thankful for. I'm aware that I'm not myself, but I don't know how to be myself anymore and I'm tired of pretending that it's all going to be ok . . . because I don't know if it is.
I guess it comes down to this:
"And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart
Then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember the end will justify
The pain it took to get us there"
Here's hoping.
