Um . . .

I haven't written in here lately because I don't know what I'm suppose to write. SInce I know that people read it, I feel like I have to write and sound all upbeat and happy like everything is wonderful. And to some extent that's true.

But at the same time it's not.

How do I put it? I guess the easiest thing is that I'm overwhelmed. Between classes, work, homework and driving over an hour to school 3 days a week - I'm wearing out. Plus I'm still expected to do work around the house when I have a "day off". And I don't mean a little dusting or laundry - we're currently remodeling my bathroom!

I guess things down here are harder and busier then I thought that they would be. Individually, nothing is hard at all - but when you put them all together - it's really starting to suck!

As I think about my past few weeks, I realize that I love the fact that I'm single. I don't know how I thought that I'd have time for a relationship let alone time to drive to Clarion of weekends to see Pat - I must have been insane! I've reached a point where I can see that I'm probably going to be called to be single while I'm in grad school (iunless something changes like me moving closer to school and getting a different job so that I have more time.) But barring that - I think it's best that I'm single, and God has given me a lot of peace about that.

I wish the story stopped there. But it doesn't - let me just put this is a form of a prayer request and say that I've been struggling with a few things since the break-up, and I don't know what to do.

I'm confused - I thought that I knew what love was - but judging from my single status - I don't. And I feel like what happened was that Pat "fell out of love" so to say. I'm not saying this to blaim him - I'm just saying ot because I'm confused. How can people feel one way one day, and another way the next day. How in a relationship do things go from "forever" to "it's over"? It just doesn't make sense to me. As I look back, I can't find anywhere along the line that I didn't feel like I was following God's will - so how did I end up here? What went wrong? With Tudor I could tell you of a million times that I didn't follow God's calling or leading - but I don't feel that way now. I feel like trusted God that this relationship was His will - and I prayer about it and everything, and all I ever was heard was His blessing. I feel wounded since it fell apart. And I feel like I can't trust myself to "fall in love" ever again. I feel like I don't trust myself (or God - which is a BIG problem) to be in a relationship - because I am so scared that I'll meet some other wonderful guy and we'll get together and I'll trust him with things in my life - and one day he'll wake up and decide that what we had wasn't love. And I don't think that I can go through that again.

And I don't know what to do to take the hurt away. I've prayed about it, and I've cried out to God about it . . . and I don't feel any better. I feel like this relationship is a sign that I shouldn't ever be in another relationship - and for as much as I like being single now - I don't want that forever.

I guess I'll end the entry by saying this - keep me in your prayers. Things are confusing right now and I don't know what I'm suppose to do with all these emotions. I know that God has to be showing me something - but I can't see what it is. Pray for my faith - in God's divine will, and in people - because right now I'm struggling because I feel let down by both of them.



Ok - off to read a Shakespeare play before class tonight!

And God Answered . . .

So I wanted to go to bed. I was actually in bed with the light out and something prompted me to get up and read the next chapter of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" that I haven't had a chance to read lately.

The chapter title: The Right Thing and the Wrong Time is the Wrong Thing

Ok God . . . ya got my attention.

Thoughts from the chapter:

1. The Right Thing and the Wrong Time is the Wrong Thing
Meaning that God has a lot of stuff in store for us in our lives and He wants to give it to us - but He has a particular time decided when He sill give it to us. The right thing is the wrong thing when we take it before God plans for us to have it.

2. You Don't Need to Shop for What You Can't Have
Meaning: "God had a perfect plan for your life. More than likely, that plan includes marriage, and if so, somewhere in this world God has the right perfect person for you. You may or may not know this person right now. If you spend all your time and energy trying to hunt this person down or (if you've already found this person) trying to contain him or her until you can marry, you might actually do that person a disservice . . . For now what's most important to realize is that the guy or girl you will one day marry doesn't need a girlfriend or boyfriend right now."

3. Any Season of Singleness is a Gift from God
I keep forgetting this one!
"Don't so something about your singleness - do something with it!"

The rest of the chapter goes on to talk about trusting God and how when we think about it, our fears are silly.

In the end, it boils down to this: DO YOU TRUST GOD? Do you really trust him? Do you live your life as if you trust Him? Do you believe that by passing up something good now because it's the wrong time, God will bring you something better at the right time?


Ok God - I get it!

At least, I get in lesson in all of it. I still have a lot to learn.

SO my prayer for the night is this:
Lord God - help. Remind me that singleness is a gift. Remind me that everything happens in YOU TIME and not in mine. Show me what you want me to do with my singleness and teach me to follow you and trust you completely. Lord God, heal the brokenness in my heart, remove the pain that I'm going through and the distrust that I feel. Help me to open my heart up to true love. Help me to love others the way you love them without the confusing emotional baggage that I tend to try to add onto situations. Help me to see your will in my life, and give me the strength that I need.
In your awesome name,
Amen.